My Gay Dreams

Saturday night, I had a couple of strange and intense dreams.  My first dream wasn’t gay.  In fact it was more murderous than gay.  In fact it was all murderous and none gay.  I don’t remember the premise of the dream.  All I remember is some man and woman are trying to gun me down.  Or maybe they did.  Apparently years ago, according to the dream, I had done something to some man, and they wanted to let me know they didn’t forget about it.  Like some bad mafia dream.

I awoke from this dream kind of dazed.  I looked at the clock saw that it wasn’t even 2am yet.  I was trying to get more sleep, but it took a while.  The gout pain in my knee hit it’s peak at that moment.  So maybe the drugs, and the pain in my knee had some affect on my next dream.  Onto my gay dream.

So I’m in the dark room with a dozen or so other people.  We’re watching some type of presentation or video, which I had know idea what it was talking about.  I’m sitting in the back row with some unknown people, but what we are sitting in are more like couches than chairs.  The man next to me, whom I don’t recognize, starts chatting it up with me.  From what I remember we’re having a good conversation, and we seem to be getting along, when a message appears on the projector.

“Would the men in the back row stop talking.  It’s distracting.”

I understand the talking can be a little distracting, so I’m going to stop.  This other man stops as well, but he’s changed a little.  He’s no longer wearing a shirt…  Or pants.  Just him in his underwear, steadily getting closer and closer to me.  He’s starting to try to cuddle with me.  My focus returns to the screen.

However like so many of my other dreams, things morph rather quickly.  No longer are we in a room watching a presentation, but now, we’re sitting in a car.  I’m in the middle of the back seat.  To my left, with a shirt on, but still currently gay, Vince Carter.  To my right, Tyra Banks.  (Now you may wonder how these celebrities enter my dream.  I do not know.  My most memorable dream I’ve had included celebrities, which I’ll include as a bonus)

Since we’re on the road now and in the car, Vince Carter starts talking about himself and his past relationships with other men.  However it’s finally dawning on me that Vince is not only interested in me, but he also believes we’re already together.  Let me clarify for those who don’t know who I am.  I’m happily married to my beautiful wife.  And I’m not gay.  Luckily Tyra is next to me and knows these facts as well.  I ask her for some advice on how to break it to him.  She is useless and has no suggestions.  Apparently she only has advice when she is on TV and surrounded by hundreds of crazed women ready to bash men.

Another morphing occurs, and Vince Carter is longer Vince.  Jose Canseco has now arrived in my dream.

Jose continues talking about his relationships.  His tone is getting testier and a little bit angry.  I believe he’s beginning to sense that I’m not into him, without ever having to tell him.  Maybe if Vince Carter was still there, I wouldn’t be as afraid.  But all I can think about is “wow, those ‘roids have made him big.”  I tried to distance myself from Jose physically as much possible by squeezing into Tyra.  Some of you might enjoy a dream getting closer with Tyra Banks, however, we are both fearing for our lives.  We’re trapped inside a speeding vehicle with nowhere to go.  Jose Canseco, already whacked out on steroids, is finding out that I’m rejecting his love.  Violence ensues.

He starts hitting me on the arm.  Ow!  Hits me on the leg.  OWW!  I’m looking for a way out of the car.  Tyra is looking for a way out of the car.  But we are trapped.  Do I jump out of the moving car?  Do I leave Tyra alone with Jose?  Will she jump out too?  These are questions are left unanswered.  My rescuer has arrived.

I hear a baby talking.  It is Caris.  The baby monitor has woken me up!  Thank you, Caris.

Bonus Dream

I remember this dream much more vividly years ago, but I still remember it.  This dream occurred back in 2000.

I’m out to save the princess.  But to get to her, I have to fight through a bunch of ninjas.  Black ninjas.  White ninjas.  They’re all there to stop me from getting the princess.  I’m doing well against them.  I’m able to fight them off as individuals, but their numbers soon begin to overwhelm me.  All of the sudden Anthony Hopkins & Catherine Zeta-Jones drop down from the sky to help me.  Anthony Hopkins & Catherine Zeta-Jones together defeat the rest of the ninjas.

Anthony Hopkins has something profound to say to me, but I forgot.  Must have not been that important.

Bowling & CSI

I love bowling.  I used to bowl all the time back in junior high when in the summertime Chaparral Lanes offered unlimited bowling on the weekdays from noon to 4pm for $40 bucks.  That summer was one of the best summers I had back in school.  We’d bowl for a few hours, walk to I’m Comics, play some Street Fighter II, and bowl some more.  So I know a little bit about bowling.  Maybe more than a little bit.

So I’m catching up on CSI from this season and they have this bowling episode.  The problem, it seems, is that it doesn’t look any of the editors know anything about bowling from the screenshot and score below.

csi_bowling_1

Now some of you may notice a discrepancy in the score.  Probably a lot of you won’t, so I’ll explain.  The score itself tells you a lot about what has yet to happen.

From the screenshot, Cigs is bowling, and he has a double (well a Turkey, but that first strike has already been counted in his score) going into the 10th frame.  (For a more in-depth look into how scoring works, check the wikipedia page)  The score Cigs currently has is not possible.  In this situation, there should be no score in the 9th frame.  In fact the 8th frame should not have a score as well, since the strike counts the next two balls into the score.  We can see from the 7th to 8th frame, he gets 28 pins.  We know his first ball knocks down 8 pins.

Of course in order to try to build suspense, the writers of CSI have Cigs getting a 7-10 split.

csi_bowling_2

csi_bowling_3

Oh know.  One of the hardest splits to pick up, and he has to pick it up if he wants to win.  Well, we already know what happens since that score in the 9th frame that shouldn’t be there, is there.  He picks it up, and thus pretty much sealing the match (unless he gutters on the last ball).  I haven’t seen what actually happens after this since before Cigs can throw his second ball, a head comes out of the return.

csi_bowling_4

What I do know is that he picked up the split.  I’ll have to finish the episode and update this post if that doesn’t happen.

Now this analysis may be lengthy and kind of convoluted.  Who has the time to analyze a bowling score on a TV show.  Well, remember I know a little bit about bowling.  This only took seconds for me to notice the score was wrong and know what was about to happen.  I’m such a nerd.